I know absolutely nothing about cricket though I do confess to once writing 2 articles on the subject, one related to charity, the other on youngsters in Kashmir. However in this new phase of my life, I am considering setting up my own sporting facility in Pakistan and naming it, the “Who Gives A Sh.. Cricket Academy”.

For a start I could self appoint myself as an overnight “expert” and do my own PR on the website in case some clever clogs decides to investigate my past. Why not have a go at something new…. after all I know cricket is something to do with wickets and a ball and bowling a maiden under (or was it over). That should be enough for starters. Then I will find some equally “cricket ignorant” individual perhaps with a famous partner to become an Ambassador for the game and we are on a roll.

Forget interviews for jobs, a “one horse race” would be much quicker than interviewing suitable candidates for my venture and dealing with all that “meritocracy” business. The very idea that a person should be picked for having committed years of experience to the sport and having some relevant qualifications to manage a business endeavour is laughable. Instead I can choose some guy with a handsome face because people are so fickle they won’t care about merit… just a big flirty smile.

Also if I start following an ethical interview procedure I might unearth some fake degree certificates and no one is bothered about such minor details these days. Those who fake it are to be praised for being innovative aren’t they?… I see it all the time on Twitter. “So pretty, we don’t care if you are qualified” tweet me back dear”. In fact my advice to the younger generation would be why spend years studying when you can buy a “pretend” degree online or down at Qasim’s market.

To advertise my Academy I will take a few well placed “selfies” with influential people, an actor or musician to attract attention (but no one who might know too much about cricket) they might show me up. Then to help boost funding, I will grab a few cute children with big eyes for more selfies to gain the sympathy vote and stress how important it is to give underprivileged youngsters a shot at the game. We must of course have a charity aspect to the initiative (and maybe siphon off a few pounds here and there)?… Its to be expected in Pakistan isn’t it?

My newly appointed Ambassador for Cricket will then round up local youth to participate whether they want to play or not. If anyone asks me awkward questions about the game, to hide my lack of knowledge I can always quickly google “a googly” to make myself look good and impress the funders. Then I will make a video of us all having a go on the pitch, one nice big smiling happy family…. Maybe even get “Hello” magazine to do an interview (that will pay for a few nice outfits to wear at cricketing events).

Anyone I take on to assist at my Academy (whether paid or unpaid) will have absolutely no background checks whatsoever regarding their suitability to work with kids or to root out paedophiles just in case any criminal records are found. There is too much fuss in the media lately about this sort of thing. Its Pakistan for goodness sake who is remotely bothered about child safety and welfare?

Then there is the practical side of keeping the cricket grounds tidy. Perhaps I could employ some of those men I see hanging round the bus station in Peshawar day after day. They might like a job cutting the grass on the pitch, after all they do seem to spend an awful lot of time showing interest in very young boys…

Carol Anne Grayson is an independent writer/researcher on global health/human rights, WOT and is Executive Producer of the Oscar nominated, Incident in New Baghdad.  She is a Registered Mental Nurse with a Masters in Gender Culture and Development. Carol was awarded the ESRC, Michael Young Prize for Research 2009, and the COTT ‘Action = Life’ Human Rights Award’ for “upholding truth and justice”. She is also a survivor of US “collateral damage”.